Like many people my age, I'm disillusioned by the lack of stable job opportunities my over-priced college education has provided me, and although that's led to a few post-university meltdowns, an equally troublesome issue persists: At some point in the last five years or so, I developed so much anxiety around my perceived shortcomings in my writing and art that I completely stopped trying. No matter how many pep talks I gave myself, no matter how many times I claimed, "I really want to [insert creative activity here] SOON!", I couldn't follow through. It's easier to fail by avoidance than to try but fail anyway, right?
I tried to combat some of this by signing up for a figure drawing class at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education. It was amazing in many ways -- I had never done figure drawing before, and it was good to have someone forcing me to step back and literally see the big picture -- but I felt like an imposter. I wasn't a "real" artist, and I didn't belong in that room. My insecurities must have shown in my timid half-attempts at sketching, as my instructor made quite the habit of snapping my charcoal from my hands, aggressively etching his own drawings over mine, and shouting, "Like this!!" That ended just before Thanksgiving.
And then finally, today, a friend posted one of those viral Facebook status updates containing a 30-day drawing challenge. I don't know why this one in particular caught my attention; maybe it was just that the prompts were open-ended enough to get the gears grinding while providing enough structure so that I wouldn't feel lost or overwhelmed. Regardless, the moment I stopped reading the post, I decided that it was time to stop making excuses and just do it. I saw later that my friend's portrait contained the following footnote: "Age: old enough to know better, young enough to change it." Yes. Exactly.
And THEN it occurred to me that if I blogged about the experience, I could hit the drawing bird and the writing bird with the same freaking stone, y'all, and that making it public like this could be a way of holding myself accountable. I know the internets don't really need another driveling idiot, but I guess I care more about my mental health and happiness than what you losers think. (Just kidding! I'm the loser here, remember? Sigh.)
2011 was a tough year; 2012 has already presented a heartbreak or two. But if I can come out of these 30 days with at least one drawing that I'm proud of, then maybe, just maybe, I can feel optimistic about the 305 days that remain.
And so, without further ado, I present my drawing challenge for day 1: a self-portrait.
Try not to judge me too harshly for how emo it is, OK? I'm hard enough on myself.
